8 Chatting up

I hadn't left the house in weeks and was desperate for some female attention. I looked up advice for chatting up women online. I got lots of tips and tricks from all the best gurus. I learned the rules, got coached with tough love, did some math and practised some tricks in the mirror. I was ready!



I marched out the house, ready to take on the world. I made sure to strut my stuff rather than just walk like a rube. I passed by a lady watering the flowers in her garden. I ran an analysis on her. She had short black hair, about neck length with a little curl on the end and a fluffy fringe. She had heavy make up on. Big spidery eyelashes with bright, pale blue eyes. She had pink lipstick on that was bright on the inside and dark on the outside. She wore a big floppy hat in the sun and had a massive pearl necklace. She had tons of bracelets on and was covered from head to toe in fake tan.

"Heh... shouldn't be too tough" I thought. I'll use her for practice until I meet some real hotties in town.

I was about to say "sup" when she smiled a huge smile and said "Hi!" loudly, her bracelets rattling as she waved. I wasn't prepared and stuttered a "Ssssp".

"Isn't the weather f#!*'n glorious today?" she said without hesitation.
"Y...yeah it sure is" I mouthed, shocked at how loud and brazen she was.
"I have to give my plants a drink of water. They're f#!*'n dying over here"
"Y... yeah?" I said, trying to keep it together, but her profanity was rattling.
"Yeah look at these over here... and these over here..." she said, and went on to show me the other plants in her garden.

And it was a big garden! She talked and talked about her plants for ages, about how the weather was treating them not only today, but for the whole summer so far.

"Come here and look at this" she said before sitting on her swinging porch to show me her window boxes. I leaned over to look at them "Sit the f#!* down!" she barked "and take a closer look at them" she said, so I sat. "when you sit down you can smell 'em too. They're f#!*'n beautiful when you're out here with a cold drink on a hot day" she said before pouring herself a glass of lemonade that was on the table. She then filled another glass and handed it to me. "Thanks... y...yeah they do smell nice" I said, realising that I hadn't said much this whole time.

"Don't they though? and you're welcome hon" she said, patting my knee and letting out a relaxed sigh. "Ohhhh yes" she said, making the bench swing with us on it. It didn't exactly help me with my game. I just felt relaxed. "Isn't this bench f#!*'n marvellous?" she said, putting her arms on the back of the bench, over my shoulders, rocking it back and forth with her legs. "I got this for a good price you know" she said and went on to talk about shopping for the bench, haggling with the dealer and arguing with the delivery man in such painstaking profane detail that it went on for hours.

"...and I said to him if you f#!*'n scratch the paintjob on my porch I'll scratch your f#!*'n a$$hole. Here hun... " she said before handing me a cup of cocoa. The sun had started setting. We were under a blanket on the bench at this stage, swinging away. How long was I here? I lost track of time.

But she kept talking. Talking over the sound of crickets chirping. It got dark. I'm not sure how I got here and I looked at her for answers. She was still talking. Her striking eyes were looking right into mine. Her lips wouldn't stop flapping but it was relaxing looking at them move. Those dark pink lips... With one hand she played with her pearl necklace and with the other she was playing with my hair, making curly circles with her fingers. It was getting chilly but I was snug with her under the blanket. And she wouldn't. Stop. Talking.

...it was afternoon the next day when I finally got home and online again. She insisted on giving me dinner and I ended up sleeping over. She gave me a big breakfast and even lunch while being as chatty as ever.

I got a message from one of the dating gurus. "'Sup dude. What's goin' on? Pick up any chicks yesterday?". I scratched my head, not knowing what to say to him.